Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
