I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
