It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
