Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
