Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
