He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
