my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
