Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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