so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
