I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
