Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
