My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
