Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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