im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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