You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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