This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
