I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
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He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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