oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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