Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
