NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
