i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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