I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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