Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
