I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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