theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
