Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
