The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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