She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
