I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
