Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
