NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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