i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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