Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
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it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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