she woke up with a sticky ear
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
