i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
