She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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