u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
