I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on