Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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