You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
