Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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