boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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