So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
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It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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