every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
