I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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