So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i think i have two assholes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
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Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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