The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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