ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
