I wish I could teleport
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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