I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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