So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
