I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
