I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
