I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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