You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
