there's paper in my vomit.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
