Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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