Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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