i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
